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Weird sayings
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex in the box?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Why do people sing Take Me Out To The Ball Game when they're already there?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Should vegitarians eat animal crackers?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
Why do people call it a TV set when you only get one?
Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive through teller machines?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
If you throw a cat out of a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If buttered toast always lands butter side down, and a cat always lands on it's feet, what would happen if you dropped a cat with a piece of buttered toast tied to it's back?
If the little black boxes on airplanes are indestructible, why don't they make the whole airplane out of the same material?
If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Why do psychics have to ask your name?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
How do you tell when you've run out of invisible ink?
Did ancient doctors refer to IVs as 'fours'?
Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
If time is money, why doesn't money come as easily as time goes?
If the pencil #2 is so popular, why is it still #2?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just live 10 miles away?
Why can't I set my laser printer on 'stun'?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
How come when something is flying overhead, people say "heads up!" Shouldn't they say "Duck!"?
How come nailpolish & white-out bottles are always deeper than the brush?
How come people try something and say, "Eww! This is nasty, here try it." Why would you want to try something someone else thinks tastes awful?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they
all still working?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it
Fed UP?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what idiot came up with, "Quit
while you're ahead?"
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
God's place is the world, but the world is not God's place.
Insults
your sister sucks so much dick she could sell her spit to a sperm bank!
your dad is like cement, it takes him two days to get hard!
your mom is like an elevator - if you push the right button she'll go down on you!
your mom is like a shotgun... one cock and she's ready to blow.
your mom is like a racecar - she can burn four rubbers in one night!
the only difference between your mother and a subway is not EVERYBODY has ridden a subway.
your mom has a pussy on her hip, so she can make money on the side!
you were jerking off in a plastic bag and somebody asked "What are you doing?" and you said: "Packing my lunch."
when I see a christmas card that says "Ho-Ho-Ho!", I know to address it to your mom.
your mom is like a TV set, anyone can turn her on.
your mom is like a gas station - eventually everyone gets a pump.
your dick is so small that if they took it to court, they'd throw it out for lack of evidence.
you're so horny that the last time you felt a breast it came out of a KFC bucket!
your momma's so fat she uses a VCR for a beeper!
your mom is so fat she ordered a double room for a singles weekend!
your mom is so fat that she irons her clothes in the driveway!
your mom is so fat, she has to use a satellite dish for a diaphragm.
your mom is so fat that she had to get baptized at sea world
your mom is so fat that they use her underwear for bungee jumping!
your mom is so fat - she's got more chins than chinatown!
your mom is so fat that you gotta grease the tub to get her in the bath!
you remind me of a toilet bowl - fat, round, and full of shit.
your mom is so fat that cars run out of gas just trying to pass her ass!
your mom is so fat she's gotta sleep in a barn with the rest of the cows.
your mom is like a hoover, turn her on and she sucks!
A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?
At least there'e one thing good abt your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!
Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing!
Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!
I like you. People say I have no taste, but I like you
Did your mother have any children that lived?
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
I want nothing out of you but breathing, and very little of that!
Take off that mask! Don't you think it's a little early for Halloween?
Don't be ashamed of wat you are. I'm not ashamed of what you are!
If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
Don't get insulted, but is your job is devoted to spreading ignorance?
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
Don't mind him. He has a soft heart and a head to match.
Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
people like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.
you have mechanical mind. Too bad you forgot to wind it up this morning.
you have a mind like a steel trap -- always closed!
You are a person of the world -- and you know what sad shape the world is in.
your always lost in thought -- it's unfamiliar territory.
your dark and handsome. When it's dark, iam handsome.
your known as a miracle comic. if your funny, it's a miracle!
your listed in Who's Who as What's That?
your living proof of that a person can live without a brain!
your so short, when it rains your always the last one to know.
you are the kind of a person that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
How come you're here? I thought the zoo was closed at night!
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
How much refund do you expect on your head -- Now that it's EMPTY.
How would you like to feel the way you look?
Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in ten years?
I don't want you to turn the other cheek. It's just as ugly.
I don't know who you are, but whatever it is, i'm sure everyone will agree with me.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me!
I don't even like the people you're trying to imitate!(if you are at all!)
I bet you have a loud bark!
I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?
I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!
I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!
I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
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